TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully outside of spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further put where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort wherever my PTSD can have turn-down assistance."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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